Completely Average White Guy Ponders Wearing Pastels

SUBURBAN DES MOINES- Craig Smith, an unbearably average white guy, is reporting higher than normal levels of anxiety in his otherwise unspeakably uninteresting life. These anxieties, according to recent email correspondence from his FUCKING HOTMAIL account, stem from trouble selecting the color scheme of his next collared shirt purchase. Craig was last seen at an American Eagle outlet store off of highway 80  pondering their wide selection of colors. According the store manager Mandy Glitten, Craig is “pretty terrible. I tried to tell him delicately that no one cares either way what shirt he takes. He didn’t understand. He got scared and bought all solid colors. I hate Kevin. I mean Matt. Whatever his name is.”

Maximus Burns (Charlie Boston’s alias), Intern

BREAKING: Coffeegate Rocks BYU

PROVO, UT- With the recent departure of forward Brandon Davies, the BYU basketball team was hoping that reckless and disgusting pre-marital sex was the worst of their problems. If the recent photos surfacing online are true, they may be terribly wrong.

Logan Magnusson, Iced coffee

In these photos, broken some time between

High-speed rail system plagued by stupid nicknames

WASHINTON, DC – The President’s recently announced High-Speed Rail Project is now the target of ill-concieved Republican scrutiny.

Young child caught using a darker side of the force

Max Page, pre-pubescent minion

Hollywood, CA – In a clear violation of both Constitutional law and the Jedi code, the young actor in the recent Star Wars-themed Volkswagen commerical, 6-year-old Max Page, was recently apprehended for both reckless endangerment and unlicensed use of The Force. 

Metro Community College Cuts the Bullsh*t: We’ve got a degree for you, neighborhood drug dealer

Tim Duncan: Boring on basketball court, in divorce court

Tim Duncan? Sigh.

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — While reports of infidelity swirling around the divorce of San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker and Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria have made that couple’s split a mainstay on the front pages of tabloids for weeks, another Spurs star recently ended his marriage in far less headline-grabbing fashion.

Moments in [Poop]story

“Die when I may, I want it said by those who knew me best that I always plucked a thistle and

Police composite artist guilty of subpar sketches

Is the sketch at right journeyman actor Steve Buscemi or the suspect in a string of jogger gropings at Thompson Park? In SCPD composite artist Carl Renfrow's mind, it's both.

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Amid growing concern that the composite sketches released by the Santa Cruz Police Department consistently bear little or no resemblance to the actual suspects apprehended, Carl Renfrow, the SCPD’s composite artist, admitted yesterday that he never finished art school and that pencil sketches “are like my third- or fourth-best medium.”

Completely Average White Guy Torn Between Two Local Chinese Restaurants

Craig Smith, white guy

DES MOINES-  Craig Smith, a white guy who is completely average in every way, is reportedly having a tough time deciding which local Chinese restaurant to go to for dinner. “Both have their strengths and weaknesses”, Craig 

Report: Rise in Childhood Anxiety Linked to Take-Your-Kid-to-Work-Day

A Child, probably stressed

AMERICA- Children, once considered younger versions of adults, are reportedly moving closer to being considered just smaller versions of full-sized adults. A recent bubblefactory.org study of 500 children who participated in take-your-kids-to-work-day found that an astounding 42% saw an immediate rise in their daily anxiety levels.