No thank you

We’ve all been there.

You are strolling into a building and someone (we’ll call him Craig for the sake of the example) happens to be a couple of steps ahead of you. “Craig” swings open the first door and pauses to hold it for you. A nice gesture, not completely necessary, but you muster up an “Oh, thanks.” as you follow in. This is where shit turns horribly wrong. There’s a second door. A second fucking door maybe 10 feet after the first one. As you approach the inevitable second act of unnecessary kindness (courtesy of Craig), thoughts race through your head…

Should I mumble a second “oh, thanks.” and sound kind of ridiculous? Should I not say anything and seem like one half-hearted thank you would suffice? Should I take an alternate route into the building and run the risk of insulting the him?

As they say at my Thursday night hip hop dance classes, “always be prepared”. The following are a list of 5 responses to the second door that will shift the pressure BACK on the Samaritan, thus relieving your anxiety.

#1 THE COUGH. At the exact moment when you should be attempting a second “Oh, thanks.” cough uncontrollably. It’s important to keep your forward motion, because when you conclude the cough you need to be a safe distance from the second door. Mission accomplished. Obviously you can’t say a second thanks when you are stricken with life-threatening pneumonia. It’s remarkable that you had the strength to muster up the initial “Oh, thanks.”.

Potential downfall- Craig acts overly concerned for your health and goes out of his way to ensure that you are okay. This could potentially require the second “thanks” that we are attempting to avoid. God damn it, Craig.

#2 THE PHONE CALL. Again, at the exact moment of the second thank you, BAM! phone call. Quickly grab it and continue to roll through the door as you fake a conversation. At best you’ll need to deliver a nod of appreciation when you move past.

Potential downfall- You poorly act out the phone conversation and Craig notices. He gives you a look of disbelief. You decide to attempt the “Cough” method. He doesn’t buy that either. In a panic, you run from the building. You realize you forgot your bag and return to the bewildered Craig, who is holding it. You become friends with Craig. Soon after, you realize Craig sucks.

#3 THE FART. Rip a huge one in place of the”Oh, thanks.”. Just Rip it. Say, “Screw this awkward situation, I’m going to deliberately create a situation that is infinitely worse.” You know the fart is coming, so you can deliver it with confidence and put the pressure squarely on Craig’s shoulders. Will he chuckle? Will he blush?

Potential downfall- shart.

#4 THE MORE ENTHUSIASTIC THANK YOU.  Put the previous “Oh, thanks.” to shame. Say it again like you mean it. If effectively executed, it is not remotely awkward and makes light of the uncomfortable architectural design. Who knows, maybe Craig is your boss (God forbid). Maybe your assertiveness is appreciated. Maybe you get promoted to president. Maybe you run the company into the ground with fraudulent activity. Maybe you do some time in prison. All because of the more enthusiastic Thank you.

Potential downfall- You get promoted to president, run the company into the ground with fraudulent activity, and do some time in prison.

#5 THE GROIN PUNCH. If you’ve exhausted all other options- punch Craig in the groin. As he turns to offer the second door, you’ll have a clean shot. This whole mess is his fault anyway. Don’t think. Punch and start running.

Potential downfall- Craig reads this blog, expects the punch, blocks it, and delivers a groin punch of his own. Maybe Craig isn’t such a d-bag afterall.

Feel free to contribute additional ideas in “comments” below. We’re all in this together.


Charlie “Capability” Boston, staff writer

Charlie has never been a columnist for the New York Times, but knows several people who read it