Not pictured: Obama's foot, reporter's ass

FDR. Steve Prefontaine. Jesus Christ. What do these gentlemen have in common? They were all gods of their time, you say? That’s just silly. FDR couldn’t even walk. Of course the answer is they all smoked. Packs on packs. (Some lost books of the bible even reference Jesus’s affinity for Newports.) Did these men cower in the face of public scrutiny? Did they apologize for the poor example they set for children? Am I laughing just thinking about them actually doing these things? As history has plainly pointed out over the last billion years is this one simple fact…smoking is badass and portrays an essence of cool and superiority.  And that is why our President, Mr. Obama, needs to light up.

Being President of the United States could be considered the most stressful jobs in America. Personally, I think being a barista at a New York City “Starbucks” could get kind of hectic, but I’m just splitting hairs.  As George Stephanopoulos pointed out on Good Morning America this week, “The job is stressful. A couple of smokes a day won’t hurt.” He later added, “I know just waking up to do GMA every fu*king day takes burning down at least one rock, but you would too if you had to deal with JuJu and that crazy Korean accent of hers 5 times a week.” Mr. Hippopotamus may be right, but I think he’s missing the point. President Obama shouldn’t be smoking just because his job totally blows. I mean, has anyone ever seen “Mad Men”??? Could you see your president as Don Draper? I know I could. Black suits, liquid lunches, and 2 packs… A DAY. It shits awesomeness. And that is one of the pillars of the presidency. Not only should Obama be the leader of the free world and exemplar representative to our country, but he should also be an example of ultimate testicular fortitude and the metaphorical cockslap to the faces of all nations. Not to say he should, but to give the air that, at any moment, someone could end up with a mushroom stamp.

Much discussion has deviled into the supposed “bad habits” of the current executive branch. Obama’s smoking and drinking. Emanuel’s salty language. Sebelius’s late-night calls to escort services and subsequent lesbian orgies consisting of light BDSM and occasional knife-play. But these are just apart of what makes the new administration one for the books. So go on, Mr. President. Enjoy a loosie or two before work. And keep that train chuggin’ along until suppertime. Hell, enjoy one more before bed with the wife after she’s treated you to one of her exotic, sensual handjobs with eye contact. Because it’s one thing to be voted the most powerful man in the world, but it’s another to live the part.  So go on Mr. Obama…Light up for America.