Pictured: Life Alert Safety Necklace, Woman that has existed many years

It was Thursday.
No, it was Friday.
Actually is was right about midnight, wedged awkwardly between the two days. These details aren’t important. What is important, is that I was on a mission to take a shower.
My original intention was clear, I was to clean my body and continue with a late night study session. Entering the shower, I found that everything was falling into place- the water temperature warm, my Axe body wash situated in reverse alphabetical order next to the pantene, and my feet shoulder width apart so that I could minimize the risk falling down. I’ve already had to use the Life Alert safety necklace I bought off of that infomercial too many times (Four times. A regional record for someone under the age of 63).

I put this on my nude body

I continued with the usual measures involved with cleaning one’s self (I’ll spare you the graphic details). Actually I won’t. I lathered up the Axe wash and rubbed it all over my nude body. Just as I was about to declare the shower session a success, something strange happened. I felt an oddly familiar sensation. A free, confident, natural feeling that could only be aptly described as- peeing in the shower. With this sensation came an inkling of guilt, knowing that my roommate uses the same shower and knowing that there was little chance I would tell him that it had recently taken the place of a toilet.

Guilt aside, I looked down to survey the damage. Confusion set in. I saw no clear indication was peeing was going on, but I still had the sensation. My visibility was limited. Water was everywhere, and I didn’t have my contacts in. There was no way to discern water from pee, pee from random splash, random splash from body wash, and body wash from pee. As I twisted and turned to find an angle that would reveal the truth as to whether or not I was actually peeing, I lost my footing and tumbled to the ground, hurting my bad  hip. While I waited for the paramedics to arrive, two thoughts camped in my mind,

1) the Life Alert safety necklace is ideal for situations when you hurt your hip and 2) I’ll probably never know the truth about pee that got away.

Charles Boston, post-pre-adolescente male