Get up, Sammy

OMAHA- Sam Clemens, a dude with a terrible, terrible hangover, honestly thinks he’s going to die. After several rounds of chuckling and finger pointing the following morning, witnesses weighed in on the possible causes of his current state of distress.

“I think it was a combination of wheat beer, no water breaks, and very little food that caused this.” said roommate Jeff Schreiber, before adding, “Doesn’t he look awful?”

Another associate, Colin Sowl speculated that the cause may have been a large quantity of cigarettes. “I think he had a drag or two at the first bar,” he said, slowly counting on his fingers, “maybe two cigs at the second, and around 15-20 outside of the final bar of our crawl. Lots of heaters, man.”

Yet another witness, Will Schmapaman, weighed in, “He headbutted me six times last night. It was the headbutting.”

Regardless of the cause, Sam has embraced this hangover like a new born child embraces a tax return. Lots of confusion, mumbling, and dribble on his lips.

“Too much… too much…” Mr. Clemens grumbled as he clutched for dear life to a cup of ice water outside of a local coffee establishment, “this is the one. I’m going to die.”

While his self-proclaimed demise remains uncertain at this time, most physicians agree that he is “overreacting”, he will “probably be fine”, and will eventually make the false claim to his friends that “he’s totally never going to drink again.”

Bubblefactory.org was able to get video footage of Sam struggling to rise from the ground, before quitting and laying down.