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“You do what?” She asked me, suddenly ignoring the white noise of the party and concentrating on me for the first time. Trouble was, she was trying to contain a look of disgust.
“I pee in my wetsuit,” I told her, matter-of-factly, as if describing an obvious everyday ritual, like procrastinating on facebook or counting down the minutes until 5 p.m’s first drink. Sure, it might not be something to take pride in, but it’s totally normal…right?
Think about it for a second. She did. It turned out that although she looked like a sexy coffee shop barista, she was in fact a sexy psychologist, who spent a good portion of her day treating sickos with behavior disorders and perverted sexual fetishes. Judging by the clinical, pitying look she gave me, peeing in my wetsuit indicated that I was mentally ill.
“Everyone does it,” I told her reassuringly. “It helps keep you warm. It feels…” I stopped myself short. I thought better of finishing my thought as I was now as self-conscious about peeing in my wetsuit as if it were the first time. I realized if I told her the whole truth, it would not go over well.
The truth was this, during some marathon sessions, I pee in my wetsuit upward of five times. It feels absolutely wonderful to marinate in the temporary warmth of your own 98.6 degree urine. Not to mention the sensation of release is indescribably satisfying. I’d like to tell you thie piss quickly drips out of my wetsuit, and that I rinse out the rest with an invigorating flush of cold water. But the truth is, I never flush out the piss anymore. Why let a little flood of ice water down your back when you’re happily basking in your own urine? To make matters worse, wetsuit technology has gotten so good that the piss never seems to go anywhere. It just stays around your midriff, cooling slowly. By the end of a session, after sloshing around in my own diluted urine, I smell like a hipster hobo. No matter how many times I wash off my leash strap, it still smells like smegma from Bigfoot’s dick. I am not exaggerating. That is how my leash strap smells.
Even without hearing the whole story, she had come to the conclusion that I was now a curiosity. “It’s interesting, really,” she thought aloud while giving me that clinical, sterile look. “Incontinence is a terrible condition. But incontinence suggests a lack of bladder control. You’re urinating on yourself on purpose, yes?”
“Yes,” I replied with a squeak in my voice and taking a nervous gulp of my vodka soda.
“So this isn’t really incontinence- it’s closer to enuresis- that’s the technical term for bet-wetting. But that’s not right either. Because enuresis happens in your sleep, unconsciously. I suppose it’s closer to Paraphalic Infantalism.”
That didn’t sound good, but I rolled the dice and asked her for a definition.
“It’s commonly referred to as Adult Baby Syndrome. In some cases a sexual fetish where sufferers feel the need to defecate in adult diapers and pretend to be infants. They’re stuck in the Anal Stage- struggling to gain control of the most basic bodily functions.
Ughh, Burnt. Even worse than I expected. I scrambled to formulate a reasonable defense. “Well, um it’s really not so different than what astronauts do. It’s not like they’re going to take off their spacesuit just to go pee, right? That’s what it’s like going surfing. I’m on an important mission, and if that means peeing in the suit then so be it.”
“Right…” The look she gave me now was worse than the clinical pitying look I’d received earlier. I’d just gone from being infantile to space-cadet.
“Occupational hazard,” I said, faking confidence as I tried to take a deep swig of my long-gone vodka. Then we stared at each other blankly, both unsure which occupation I was referring to- surfer, astronaut, or psychologist.
Twenty-one year old Shooting Guard Stephen Curry has certainly not disappointed in his first NBA season, and many say they have yet to see the best of him. He was the 7th overall draft choice by the Golden State Warriors after playing three seasons for the Wildcats of Davidson College, in which he was a Read the rest of this entry »
CLEVELAND– Thursday’s matchup between the Denver Nuggets and the Cleveland Cavaliers was originally heralded by some to be an all-out raping. While Gaining a considerable lead in the first half and fending off a narrow defeat by the end of a tight overtime, Denver managed only to inappropriately fondle Cleveland by 2 points.
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- “You better hope we don’t meet in the finals” -Anthony
Carmelo Anthony scored 40 points, including the winning basket, and the Denver Nuggets overcame Lebron James’ triple-double and ended the Cleveland Cavaliers 13-game win streak with a 118-116 overtime victory on Thursday night.
The Cavaliers were doing a rape-and-pillage tour of the NBA’s bottom feeders before the All-Star Break, winning 13 straight, but ran into George Karl and the clenched butt-cheeks of the Denver Nuggets in their first game back.
Denver has done some serious molestation of it’s own in the weeks prior to the Cleveland match-up, owning a 6-0 record against the NBA’s best, Los Angeles, Orlando, Boston and Cleveland, but are just as susceptible to having one reverse-jammed up their own McNuggets. They had lost to fellow west-coast rivals San Antonio, Utah, Phoenix and Oklahoma City by an average margin of 14.5 before the break.
Thus, it was a tossed-salad toss-up for who would commit the most hainus defilement in Thursday’s match-up. Late in the second quarter it looked like it was Cleveland who would be walking away from this game bruised and bloodied as Denver’s big men pounded away at Cleveland’s interior, producing a 10-point lead.
Cleveland managed to crawl it’s way back into the game and force overtime, where two of the NBA’s highest scorers and most notorious rapers exchanged huge shots in one another’s face. Cleveland had a chance to win it at the buzzer, but James slipped while receiving the inbound pass and his 3-pointer rattled off the rim. “It’s finally me being on the other end I guess,” James said. “I’m so used to being on the other end making shots and looking at guys.”
Denver won the game by a margin of only two points, causing Cleveland’s fans to shuffle out of the building with a feeling of slight perversion to the loss. “atleast we play Golden State soon” Columbus native Jim Trussel said after the game. “We’re gonna rip them a new asshole.”
DALLAS- What started off as an innocent prank on Dallas Mavericks owner Marc Cuban has turned into a personal obsession and agenda for actor Jim
Carrey. Read the rest of this entry »
Hiding in plain sight
SAN ANTONIO- Once considered taboo in sweaty post-game locker-room interviews, admission of sexual preference by professional athletes has now become commonplace. In the wake of rumors swirling Read the rest of this entry »
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