High-speed rail system plagued by stupid nicknames

WASHINTON, DC – The President’s recently announced High-Speed Rail Project is now the target of ill-concieved Republican scrutiny.

Op-Ed: Light up for America, Mr. Obama

Not pictured: Obama's foot, reporter's ass

FDR. Steve Prefontaine. Jesus Christ. What do these gentlemen have in common? They were all gods of their time, you say? That’s just silly. FDR couldn’t even walk. Of course the answer is they all smoked.

From the Archives: Benjamin Franklin’s Top Ten Pickup Lines

Patriot

10. “I invented these bifocals so I could get a better view of your exquisite rump.”

John Edwards’s Credibility Takes Yet Another Crushing Blow

WASHINGTON DC- Former vice presidential candidate John Edwards, already accused of adultery, spousal abuse, and ambulance chasing, can add yet another title to that list- delinquent book borrower. Sources close to the ongoing investigation at the Johnson Count

FDA report concedes what we suspected all along: most espresso shots laced with crack

Omaha, Nebraska The Federal Drug Administration, apparently headquartered in Omaha, made a  mildly stunning announcement today that could take the coffee industry mildly by storm. After years of research, sidetracked by various drug rackets out of Central America, it was concluded that approximately 3 grams of low-grade crack cocaine can be found in most espresso shots. This research determined that espresso was engineered the same way that coca-cola was circa 1904. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coca_cola#Coca_.E2.80.94_cocaine)