SUBURBAN DES MOINES- Craig Smith, an unbearably average white guy, is reporting higher than normal levels of anxiety in his otherwise unspeakably uninteresting life. These anxieties, according to recent email correspondence from his FUCKING HOTMAIL account, stem from trouble selecting the color scheme of his next collared shirt purchase. Craig was last seen at an American Eagle outlet store off of highway 80  pondering their wide selection of colors. According the store manager Mandy Glitten, Craig is “pretty terrible. I tried to tell him delicately that no one cares either way what shirt he takes. He didn’t understand. He got scared and bought all solid colors. I hate Kevin. I mean Matt. Whatever his name is.”

Maximus Burns (Charlie Boston’s alias), Intern

Logan Magnusson, Iced coffee

In these photos, broken some time between 2:18 and 2:22pm on the Nancy Grace show, it would appear that junior forward Logan Magnusson may have been recently making a little love of his own. To a grande iced coffee.

Along with observing abstinence while at school, students are also expected to avoid caffeinated products like coffee and tea. This incident would likely put the players future in jeopardy.

Early reports indicate that Magnusson was spotted leaving a local starbucks with the coffee  this past Saturday afternoon. Donning a bucket hat and an outfit typically reserved for a 16 year old pop star, he likely thought he would go unnoticed.

Fellow student, Caroline McGroder, reacted to her former friend allegedly hitting rock bottom. “To be honest with you, as I am required to do, I always thought that Logan would break the rules before Brandon.” she said, adjusting her unlogoed flannel shirt, “Logan was the first watch pagan films like Blue Streak and Fievel Goes West. Logan was the first to try french fries. Logan always drank whole milk and was known to dabble in granulated sugars. He treated his body more like a nicely kept ranch than a temple.”

Logan Magnusson, Utah heckraiser

The first reaction by university president Cecil O. Samuelson was mixed, “Well this would be a serious break in the rules, but we will be careful and thorough before making a decision.” he said, adjusting his unlogoed flannel shirt, also adding “I know these photos are authentic, but he looks a lot like Nick Jonas, doesn’t he?”

Logan is on a temporary leave of absence from the team, reportedly “studying” and “having dinner” at this time.

Craig Smith, the completely average white guy, also weighed in, “Well I think the rules are a little strict, I like to have a medium coffee from time to time. But I’m not sure, rules are rules,” he noted with the insight of a cornish game hen, “I’m really not comfortable with you printing this.”

Fuck Craig. Only he could deflate the momentum of this story.

Whatever

Charlie Boston, plain states analyst

WASHINTON, DC – The President’s recently announced High-Speed Rail Project is now the target of ill-concieved Republican scrutiny.

Claiming there is little money in the budget for such an initiative Congressional representatives have taken to referring to the program as the High Speed Snail Project. Other names floating around conservative staffers on The Hill are the Nigh High Speed Rail Project, the Thigh-High Greed Fail Project, and the more obtuse and non-rhyming Robot Super Death Train Project.

“You forget, I was there. I was there when the first transcontinental railroad was built in 1343. It was a technology that changed the planet. It took us 500 years to figure out how to use it, but once we did… whoo-wa it was a dandy,” said Senator Robert Byrd via Whoopi Goldberg’s character in Ghost. “But we don’t need it anymore. We have rocket packs!”

The validity of the late Senator’s comments has not been taken seriously by anyone in the Obama administration. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney dismissed the comments as being totally absurd and classified Senator Byrd’s remarks as “made-up.” When pressed further for comment on the Republican plan to de-rail the program through rhyming trickery, Mr. Carney abruptly left the briefing room, seemingly unable to withstand the pressure.

In an effort to strike back at Republicans, the White House Press Office later distributed what they feel is the strongest case for a High Speed Rail system in the form of DVD copies of the Denzel Washington blockbuster “Unstoppable.” Part sly comment on their commitment to high speed rail, and part roaring, non-stop, ball-busting, edge-of-your-seat action extravaganza, the DVD seemed to quiet concerns from the other side of the aisle for the moment.

But mere days later, Representative Michele Bachmann and other members of the shadow government movement labeled the Tea Party made calls into various news outlets encouraging reporters to “check out the deleted scenes.” A redacted version of the script, highlighting the redacted parts, was distributed, but nothing could be made of the redacted scenes as they had been tragically and recklessly redacted.

Rep. Bachmann had only the following to say: “I mean, it’s a bad movie. Have you seen ‘Murder on the Orient Express?’ That’s the kind of shit that happens on trains. Not crazy fun adventures. MURDER. You know what happened to the Boxcar Children? They starved to death because they couldn’t afford food. They spent all their damn money on that boxcar!”

-B. Whetstone, the whettest of stones.

Max Page, pre-pubescent minion

Hollywood, CA – In a clear violation of both Constitutional law and the Jedi code, the young actor in the recent Star Wars-themed Volkswagen commerical, 6-year-old Max Page, was recently apprehended for both reckless endangerment and unlicensed use of The Force. 
Page, a diminutive but respected alleged murderer, was taken into custody after using The Force to tear down power lines and toss them at passing cars. No one was injured, but reports are that Page, a known associate of both Jeffery Dahlmer and Darth Vader, held little to no regard for the lives of the passing drivers, even purportedly going on to say: “With great power comes a [expletive deleted] ton of fun!” The alleged expletive was “fuckload.”

“I’m sure he was just laughing,” said local resident and director of Child’s Play, Tom Holland. “I would even go so far as to call it maniacal laughter.”

Though not present during the actual incident, Holland claims to be an expert in both Child pyschology and “wicked motorcross.”

Page, a local California resident, was selected by Volkswagen to portray a young, overzealous Star Wars fan in the recent Passat campaign that aired during the Superbowl. He was carefully selected
from seven people the company picked at random from Facebook.

Though it would seem that a 6-year-old wouldn’t be the immediate choice with which to endow a supernatural power that allows the endowed to strangle dissidents, read minds and levitate objects at will, he differentiated himself from the other candidates by lacking a criminal record as a pedophile. And based on the damage he caused, it seems Page is extremely well-endowed.

Though the accused has been taken into custody, it will be hard to make a case, especially given that Page claims to have hired “the Scooby-Doo gang, and Scrappy too!” as his legal counsel. Given the nature of the infraction and the firm’s investigative track record, there is little doubt that they will certainly be able to separate fact from fiction.

While Page remains in police custody awaiting a hearing, Mr. Holland could only comment, albeit abstractly, on the history of children and horror.

“When a boy… gets… involved with the… supernatural, it’s only …a matter…. of……. time before he starts bringing… his nightmares to life,” shouted Mr. Holland through a voice synthesizer, “And when those nightmares come to life… you get things like this incident, or that time I directed Child’s Play now on Blu-ray and DVD.”

Arnold Borneo Whetstone, Hollywood Field Analyst

Tim Duncan? Sigh.

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — While reports of infidelity swirling around the divorce of San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker and Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria have made that couple’s split a mainstay on the front pages of tabloids for weeks, another Spurs star recently ended his marriage in far less headline-grabbing fashion.

Bexar County court records show that Spurs forward Tim Duncan and his wife, Amy, filed late last week for a no-fault divorce — a move legal analysts are calling the marriage-ending equivalent of a five-foot bank shot.

Duncan, nicknamed the Big Fundamental for his technically sound but unflashy playing style, has been as unexciting handling personal turmoil in divorce court as he has been bland establishing himself as one of the greatest power forwards in history on the basketball court.

Parker and Longoria’s split comes amidst allegations that Parker had an affair with the Erin Barry, the ex-wife of former Spurs guard Brent Barry. Duncan, meanwhile, appears to be ending his nine-year marriage for reasons far more mundane.

“I would prefer not to discuss that,” said Duncan, addressing reporters with the expressionless stare that has been a staple of San Antonio’s four NBA championship celebrations since 1999. “We will still keep in touch, and I wish her the best in the future.”

“Die when I may, I want it said by those who knew me best that I always plucked a thistle and planted a [poop] where I thought a flower would grow.”

-Abraham Lincoln

“They were a people so eager to laugh, so devoted to family, so dedicated to [poops]. The only word that comes to mind is harmony.”

-Kevin Costner, Dances With Wolves

“Anybody tell you that I miss a [poop], if a coach tell you that I miss a [poop], and ya’ll hear it, then that’s that. I mean I might have missed one [poop] this year. But if somebody say, he doesn’t come to [poop], it can be one [poop], out of all the [poops] this year, that’s enough! If I can’t [poop], man I can’t [poop]. I’m hurtin’. I mean, simple as that. It’s easy to talk about it, it’s easy to sum up. We talkin’ bout [poop]. I’m supposed to be the franchise player, and we in here talkin’ ’bout [poop]! Listen, we talkin’ ’bout [POOP]! Not a game, not a game, not a game, we talkin’ ’bout [POOP]! Not a game, but [poop]. How silly is that?”

-Allen Iverson, May 7th, 2002

“Rock and [poop] do not mix. It is not good, it sucks and every day I fight it to the death, or, at the very least, not let it take me over.”

-Stevie Nicks

“In a world filled with [poop], we must dare to hope. In a world filled with anger, we must dare to [poop].”

-Michael Jackson

“Ireland, as you may know, is in my blood. My mother was born in the flat above her grandmother’s hardware shop on the main street of Ballyshannon in Donegal. She lived there as a child, started school there and only moved when her father [pooped]; her mother remarried and they crossed the water to Glasgow.”

-Tony Blair address to Irish parliament

“Mere words cannot fully express the profound remorse I feel for what our country is going through and for what members of both parties in Congress are now forced to deal with. These past months have been a torturous [poop] and I’m coming to terms with what I did. I understand that accountability demands consequences, and I’m prepared to accept them.”

-Bill Clinton, 1998

Is the sketch at right journeyman actor Steve Buscemi or the suspect in a string of jogger gropings at Thompson Park? In SCPD composite artist Carl Renfrow's mind, it's both.

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Amid growing concern that the composite sketches released by the Santa Cruz Police Department consistently bear little or no resemblance to the actual suspects apprehended, Carl Renfrow, the SCPD’s composite artist, admitted yesterday that he never finished art school and that pencil sketches “are like my third- or fourth-best medium.”

Renfrow went on to reveal that his case is far from an isolated one. Most police composite artists, according to Renfrow, are “hardly the cream of the portrait-drawing crop.”

Renfrow said the top talents in his line of work traditionally land jobs “doing those little pencil-sketch-thingies” for the Wall Street Journal or drawing caricatures of patrons at high-profile amusement parks. Others with less outstanding but still solid credentials may find work drawing courtroom sketches.

For an artist like Renfrow, who is three credits short of an art degree and said he prefers sculpture and still photography to drawing, police work is often the only steady work left. The reason for the low interest in police composite-drawing, Renfrow said, became obvious a short time into his 12-year tenure with the SCPD.

“It’s such a depressing gig,” he said. “Think about it: when you’re sitting around the dinner table at night and your kids ask you, ‘What did you today, daddy?’ how do you respond?”

“The dude at Six Flags can say, ‘I provided dozens of families with lasting memories of wonderful vacations,’ ” Renfrow continued. “Me? What do I say? ‘Well, kids, daddy frightened the tens of thousands of people that watched the 6 o’clock news by giving them a first glimpse of the suspected Spruce Heights Strangler and the perv who’s groping joggers at Thompson Park.’ ”

Renfrow said he started his career with the SCPD in earnest. But after noticing that even his best efforts produced sketches that bore only marginal resemblance to the actual criminals in question, Renfrow “went on autopilot,” establishing different archetypes that he uses for suspects of different crimes.

For hate crimes, Renfrow said, he bases every composite sketch on Mr. Clean. For sex crimes in which a white male is the suspect, actor Steve Buscemi is Renfrow’s staple. Renfrow said Pope Benedict is often his inspiration for crimes in which elderly white men are suspected, because “the bags under his eyes are menacing, and the sub-conscious association with Hitler’s Youth is strong.”

For “99.9 percent” of the cases involving female suspects, Renfrow said he sketches some incarnation of actress Charlize Theron as she appeared in the movie Monster.

Renfrow said he expects public outrage in response to his admission, but he asked that people try to empathize with him.

“Every day, it’s the same s***,” Renfrow said. “No one ever got a clear view of the perp, so I’m always sketching something based on the most vague description imaginable. The suspect’s always got ‘a sort of wide-ish nose’ or ‘kinda curlier hair.’”

“My career is like one, big, high-stakes game of Guess Who?,” he continued. “Remember how that game got old after, like, two days? So did my job, and I’ve been doing it for 12 years.”

Craig Smith, white guy

DES MOINES-  Craig Smith, a white guy who is completely average in every way, is reportedly having a tough time deciding which local Chinese restaurant to go to for dinner. “Both have their strengths and weaknesses”, Craig noted with a sigh. “I mean the Rice Bowl has reasonable prices and good portions, but China Wall has really good crab rangoon.” This decision has allegedly been complicated by a number of other variables including; driving distance, restaurant decor, and how quickly the food is cooked.

Craig is the WORST

A Child, probably stressed

AMERICA- Children, once considered younger versions of adults, are reportedly moving closer to being considered just smaller versions of full-sized adults. A recent bubblefactory.org study of 500 children who participated in take-your-kids-to-work-day found that an astounding 42% saw an immediate rise in their daily anxiety levels.

This report sampled primarily children of  two parent, middle class families. These middle class families have long been considered America’s economic backbone and a safehaven for happy living. This common belief now being reexamined after seeing the devasting effects exposure to a middle management position can have on a young child. Or as the 3 year-old Tish Johnson put it, the “job time is poopy poopy poo poo poo. poop.”

The rise in anxiety was consistent across various industries and job titles, so long as a desk and a computer were involved. “This is the shit we have to look forward to?”, said Jimmy Stephens, son of a junior data analyst at a tech company. Jimmy learned the word “shit” during a coffee break between a series of beta integration meetings.

“Daddy explained to me how 401k vesting works. At first it was uninteresting, then for a few minutes it started to seem cool. Those were the worst few minutes of my life.”, noted the articulate first grader Madeline Alston, as her astonishingly tired eyes gazed into the distance.

A typical Toyota Camry